| Emotional Breakdown |
[18 Dec 2005|12:25am] |
I'm not happy.
I'm very disapointed in myself. I have fucked up. All the decisions I have made haven't been good decisions. I look at where I am and I can not believe I let it get this far. Do I really not have any self-esteem left? I fear walking into a job interview. I fear being judged. I'm isolating myself from everything. I don't want to be this person yet I lack the motivation to change.
Worthless bitching about it then right?
I just don't know what to do.
Moving in the spring, don't know where to.
School, don't know what to study.
I don't have faith in myself.
I don't believe I will be successful.
I have tried college twice so far and have withdrawn both times. Why? I can't think of a good reason. I have never been good at school. I hate school. I don't have the attention spam to sit and listen to someone babble on and on about Accounting.
But I have to go to school. Society says so. If I want to be anything, I need a degree.
Happiness seems so far away.
Contentment seems so far away.
I just want to have a plan.
And I can't even figure that out.
It's worse dealing with two people.
Myself and Kevin.
Kevin has a job here, he's going to school 30 minutes away. We want to move... where?
We need to figure out his plans before I even think about mine.
I hate Ohio.
I hate Lorain, Ohio.
I don't want to move to Elyria.
I don't really want to move to Strongsville.
But it's not about me.
Because I'm not doing SHIT to help.
I'm doing nothing.
Perhaps, him leaving on his own is the best idea.
But I need him.
I love him.
I have no one.
How did I let myself get this way?
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[19 Nov 2005|12:07am] |
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It's soooooooo coollddd...
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| Fight and an annoyance. |
[16 Nov 2005|09:26pm] |
Kev and I got into a very large and hurtful fight this morning. Mainly pertaining to my leaving for New York and constant picking on him. But more so the leaving part.
Anyway...
What can I say? I can't stay here. I'll regret it if I didn't go and at least see what it is like. Plus I've been looking for schools.
This dude is a trip:
acuff22: hey
xlackofdiscretion: Hello.
acuff22: how you doing hotttie
xlackofdiscretion: Hottie?
xlackofdiscretion: Um. I'm doing well, how are you?
acuff22: you are hot
xlackofdiscretion: Thanks.
acuff22: i'm sorry
xlackofdiscretion: Don't apologize, it's ok.
acuff22: you single
xlackofdiscretion: No, I'm not.
acuff22: it make me sad
acuff22: i was hoping i can get to know you more
acuff22: you know anyone that single
xlackofdiscretion: Sure I do.
acuff22: can you fix me up
acuff22: if that ok with you
xlackofdiscretion: How can I fix you up?
acuff22: hook me up i'm sorry
xlackofdiscretion: I know what it means but I don't exactly have friends who want to date someone who lives in another state.
acuff22: well if they got to know me better i come to them
acuff22: i'm sorry
acuff22: you forgive me
acuff22: you mad at me
xlackofdiscretion: No.
acuff22: why you not talking
acuff22: did i say something
xlackofdiscretion: No. I just don't know what to say to you.
acuff22: why that we friend
xlackofdiscretion: I don't even know you.
acuff22: i know i wont to be your friend and i just wont you to help me find someone that will not judge me
xlackofdiscretion: I can't help you.
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[13 Nov 2005|09:02pm] |
I spent a couple days in New York with Kevin. We met up with Chris and Box. All in all it was a wonderful time. New York is so beautiful in the fall.
Depending on the money situation and the weather I'd like to come back out around the end of November, first of December. Might take a train instead of driving. Mom mentioned wanting to go and see an opera so maybe she'd like to come with.
I've decided that I would like to move to New York more than anything else in the world. I am currently looking for a couple jobs to secure a constant cash flow. Spring is when I am aiming for unless I can't take it anymore and just pack my shit and go (which I have thought about oten). I figure it's the best thing for me. I love it, my heart is there. But if I go, a piece of it will remain here, in Ohio, with Kevin and with my family.
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[30 Oct 2005|06:15pm] |
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mood |
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 cold |
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| [ |
music |
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Placebo |
] |
I've been working. (yawn)
Making decent money as a laborer.
I finally feel like I'm worth something.
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